RSS Feed

Tag Archives: Middle Earth

Now the dust has settled, something to ponder on a Sunday…

I have a very serious question to ask, one that’s been bothering me for some time:

Who does the dusting in Middle Earth?

OK, there may be more pressing hygiene issues like the evident lack of plumbing, although there was one thing I was happy to see:

Warg Thorin

Let me zoom in for you:

clean up after your warg

Well, at least there’s that…

But seriously, if no one did the cleaning Beorn would live in a pig sty…


OK, bad example seeing that animals actually do live there and I presume a healthy spraying of Febreze is in order.

I wonder if Beorn’s shape-shifting abilities extend to rubber gloves and a bottle of bleach.


Coincidence? Maybe not…

Don’t even get me started on Mirkwood and that Moose Throne.


I just struggle to imagine Legolas going around with a feather duster and giving the chambers a once over.

And when he does his chores, does he get distracted by the cool things he finds:

Look, here are those dwarves I forgot we locked up a few days ago, I wondered where those had got to…

What I think  more probable is that Thraduil flaps his snazzy cape around every so often and that the dusting sorted for a few days.

Once the cape is worn out he probably thinks: another one bites the dust…


Erebor? Dustabor more like!

How do they reach the cobwebs with those high ceiling halls?


Seriously, how do you go around giving the ol’ chamber filled with gold a light dusting?

I bet Smaug would be the best at keeping the place clean- he’s good at housekeeping… and goldkeeping…

I wouldn’t be surprised if I saw Thorin with a broom- I know he swept me off my feet…

stop looking at me like that, you knew that one way coming so don’t kick up dust…


Even Hobbiton is a cleaning mystery to me.

Bilbo’s hole in the ground seems up-kept, but who does the vacuuming?


Does he have a nice Took lady come in twice a week to tidy up (although I bet she doesn’t do windows…)?

This is one issue to ponder and I can only regret that Tolkien never brought it up.

Maybe now we shall never know…

Single and Ready to Mingle? Head for Middle Earth!

Middle Earth Lonely hearts Thorin

Do you know what Empire’s list of Sexiest Movie Stars 2013 tells me?

If you are single and ready to mingle, Middle Earth is the way to go!

Don’t let the rocker look fool you, Aragorn is a man at one with nature.

He enjoys long strolls in the countryside and has basic Bear Grills/Boy Scout survival skills  that may come in handy when he takes you camping.

Aragorn has been in long-distance relationships before and is protective and loyal.


Here’s confirmed bachelor Bilbo Baggins.

Bilbo likes to take long walks in the Shire, cook and he fancies himself as a bit of a writer.

He’s looking for a gal who’s a home-body, shares his passion for elevenses and won’t eat the last pie in the pantry!


If youthful energy is what you seek, Kili is your dwarf guy!

Kili enjoys going on adventures, extreme sports, and archery.

He’s a family man and likes nothing more than camping out, singing and telling stories around the fire.


If it’s an active man you seek, Éomer is the one for you!

This horse whisperer with a heart of gold enjoys riding out into the country, hunting and sword wielding.

Ladies, the man has a mane to die for, which seems to run in the family, so keep an eye out for your hair conditioner…


Thranduil enjoys moose riding and realm domination.

He is looking for a woman who is not a dwarf.


Legolas may seem like a tranquil sort of elf bloke, but he’s always up for an adventure, an enjoys travelling.

He is loyal and handy with a bow and arrow if that’s your sort of thing.

He’s also pretty fit, looks great in a pair of tights, and enjoys cross-country runs and dwarf tossing.

And ladies, Legolas can carry a tune, so prepare to be serenaded.


Despite having difficulties in reading maps, Thorin Oakenshield makes up for it in his majestic air.

He enjoys speleology, believes the sword is mightier than the pen, and likes bird watching (especially eagles).

He’s also into genealogy and tracing his family mountain tree.

Ladies, Thorin sure likes his bling bling, so if you you’re looking for a playa’…


Smaug is not for the faint-hearted, but he may well set your heart on fire.

He enjoys long naps and antique items, especially jewels.


Ladies, the ratio of hot single men to women in Middle Earth is even better that in Alaska, so if you’re looking for a luv connection, maybe it’s time to grab your bow and arrow, pack up your pony, and head out there!

Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin…

I came across this interesting picture on Twitter:

Hairy dwarves

Seems pretty accurate to me as most of the 28% consists of trinkets to decorate the hair.

It raises a valid question: Just how hairy are dwarves?

Can we relate our human preferences on male inhabitants of Middle Earth?

The whole companion looks like it’s taken hair styling tips from an 80s pop band and I shudder (both in fear and in delight) to think what’s happening underneath that bulky clothing.


I’m not a big fan of overly hairy men and when I see one on the beach with a bearskin on his back, it makes me want to run up and wax that beast right off him, because that’s just animal cruelty…

A unibrow? Such a no no!

I get most men don’t actually have tweezers, but wouldn’t you just lay awake at night waiting for your partner to doze off just so you could pluck a hair or three?

I would and that’s probably one of the reasons I’m single 😉


This issue raises many questions in an idle mind and needs to be thought through further.

Here are the hairy rules according to AgzyM.

Acceptable hairy areas:

Chest hair which does not spill out to the shoulders

Arm and leg hair, frankly a man looks disturbing without it

Facial hair that doesn’t store breakfast crumbs


Areas that need trimming:

Head hair because unless you’re an Aidan Turner or Kit Harington lookalike, grunge is dead and buried so it’s time to move on

Nose hair- if I can see it, it needs a trim

Armpit hair, unless you’re planning on braiding and beading it as some sort of Bob Marley tribute.

The errrmmm… southern regions.

If you’re going to invite someone for a picnic, mow the lawn is all I’m saying…


Wax on and wax off:

Ears are meant for listening and for hearing sweet nothings

Back, not even going to explain

Shoulders, ditto

So what say you, my darling readers?

Do the dwarves need to laser the fuzz off if they’re going to take their clothes off, or are they getting a furry pass on account of being…. well… dwarves?

New Hobbit Plot. Welcome to Thorin’s Tavern

We’ve heard that there may be some new plots included in The Hobbit movie.

Some have mentioned a love story, and we can only keep our fingers crossed that some smart lady will find Thorin Oakenshield as irresistible as we do.

I do have it on good authority, however, that due to the lack of a sufficient amount of ponies in NZ, the plot of The Hobbit has been adjusted, and for the portion of the movie, will be set in one location.

Welcome to

Thorin’s Tavern

The establishment voted The Drunkest Place in Middle Earth.

The hospitality puts The Prancing Pony to shame!

Here you will find a pitcher of wine, a blazing fire, and a fellow travel to sing a tune with.

Rooms available in Hobbit and Dwarf size, as well as Human.

The proprietor Thorin and his sword Orchrist  guarantee your safety, as you sit with your pipe filled with Longbottom pipe-weed and enjoy a pitcher of beer.

You will find no better home-made grub in all of Middle Earth!

Please note, the previous Hobbit cook was dismissed, as there was never anything in the pantry left for the guests.

For those who need a bit of sugar to sweeten up their day, the most delicious treats are on offer.

After such a tasty feast, fear not if your throat is parched.

Nowhere will you find a more lively crowd, or a more friendly one!

The hospitality of the Dwarves is second to none, whether you’re a friend or foe!

%d bloggers like this: