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“Dear Diary, Dwarves dropped by for Dinner” A Halloween Hobbit Ficlet

the-hobbit-dwarves-as-zombies

Dear Diary,

What an evening I have had!

As I was settling in for a nice quite evening in front of the fire, undisturbed by Tooks, Brandybucks, Gamgees, Hartfoots and all the other nosey Hobbits coming around, eating my food, drinking my wine, trying to offload their daughters, the most extraordinary thing happened.

Would you believe that a whole company of dwarves came crashing through my door insisting to keep ME company!

The only company I needed for company tonight was a nice fried fish and a cup of nice tea to accompany it!

Zombie dwarves hobbit

Let me tell you, dwarves are not at all what I had imagined.

Apparently that giant bearded stalker I mentioned a while back, lurking around mummy’s rose bushes making a racket, decided to invite all his chums to my house this evening.

I knew beardy was trouble the first time I laid eyes on him and I should have turned the sprinklers on to shoo him away.

 Mummy always said never to trust anyone who couldn’t be bothered to put on a nice crisp shirt on in the morning.

Who knows what he keeps tucked away under that grey robe, which I presume started out white, but I shall have to count the family silver before he leaves.

And, although proper Hobbits don’t talk of such things, have you seen the size of his pipe?

Compensating much Gandalf? (if that’s even your real name, weirdo…).

Anyway, here I was protecting my home from the onslaught of this motley crew, defending the honour of my poor violated pantry, catching flying cutlery and mugs, and listening to them moaning about mountains, caves and the like.

Maybe they like geography? I like cheese and onion pie but you don’t hear me serenading it!

And what’s the point of a tune you can’t dance to?

Miserable lot…

The Hobbit dwarves Halloween

And if “Gandalf” looks scruffy, this bunch is just the limit.

I’d heard dwarves like to fight, but they look like they’ve just come back from a scuff with a pack of rabid boar!

Clothes torn, blood dripping from festering wounds, patches of hair yanked out from their scalps.

I could have sworn I caught a glimpse of a bone or sinew.

You try eating your supper staring at an almost torn off ear hanging by just a thread.

Do I really need a sign that says: “Leave your axes by the door! Yes, even the one lodged in your head”?

Being the host that I am, I offered to bring bandages, especially that they were bleeding all over Aunt Rosie’s rug, but they all just laughed.

Dwarf sense of humour? I don’t get it…

“An Orc, a Troll and an Elf walk into a bar…”- now, that’s a joke!

Halloween Thorin Kili Fili

Anyway, as the evening progressed I found myself slowly dozing off as there’s only so much a poor Hobbit can take.

The Wizard kept banging on about not getting any peace (I know how that feels…), not being able to rest (again, sounds familiar), until their home is reclaimed (so he does get how naughty he was inviting this lot round!).

He insisted I confirm I understand what he’s saying, and as I looked around at muddied boots trampling my rugs, all I could do was nod.

I appreciate the mea culpa gesture “wizard”, but I hope you know a spell that will clean up this awful mess.

Grey kept harping on, using the phrase “roaming the earth in unrest” but the only roaming I saw was to and fro my emptying pantry!

Quite frankly I’m not surprised this lot got locked out of their dwellings because the smell of these creatures is stifling.

 I’ll be airing the place out for weeks to come.

There’ve been more pleasant aromas coming out of Old Mother Took’s kitchen, and that’s saying a lot!

 I don’t know what passes for polite and stimulating conversation where this bunch is from, but burglary (excuse me, but you’ll find that’s illegal), dragons ( The Easter Bunny’s BFF) and maps (enough with the geography already!) just isn’t my cup of tea.

And another thing, these dwarves seem to be autograph collectors or something as they asked me to put my name on a piece of dodgy parchment.

I didn’t have the heart to tell them I’m no one famous, apart from my prize winning pumpkin patch, and my signature will hardly enrich their collection.

Maybe they needed a Hobbit one to round up the whole set?

It seemed to make them happy and shut them up, although that meant that they scoffed down more of my apple strudel.

I must have dozed off again because I could have sworn that when the fat one was gulping down a mug of wine, it all came trickling out from the apparent wound he had in his belly.

I hope he mopped that up.

Thorin Halloween zombie

I awoke to mummy’s tea pot with the pretty rose pattern flying across the dining room, just as Thorin mentioned heading out tomorrow.

Good riddance stinkies and make sure you take beardy with you!

I hope the first stop you make is at a stream for a good scrub, so you’ll stop inflicting your fly-drawing stench onto the world.

And if you’re going to pinch anything before you go, might I suggest taking a bar of soap.

This is perhaps how you do things in Dwarfville, but that’s not how we roll in the Shire!

Dear Diary, it has been a testing day, but it’ll all seem better in the morning.

Remind me to change the locks, get an electric fence, and dwarf/wizard repellent so we won’t ever have a repeat from today’s catastrophe.

Night night,

Bilbo

I’ll dress you up in my love Richard, and other Halloween costume ideas!

I’m continuing Halloween Week here at IWantToBeAPinUp, and the last post is scheduled for tomorrow.

Today I though I’d give Richard a hand and suggest some Halloween costume ideas, just in case he’s heading our for a party tomorrow (and I’m not even going to moan that he’s not taking me with him…).

First up, a Halloween classic:

Richard Armitage Halloween dracula

Let me just go on the record as stating that Richard can suck on my neck any time, and it doesn’t actually only have to be the neck for that matter…

If Halloween terrors are not your thing, here is a nod towards The Vicar of Dibley.

I though Richard could go dressed as the Dibley Easter Bunny.

*avoiding filthy “Hey, that’s a big carrot you got there Bunny Richard” jokes*

Richard Armitage halloween costume bunny

How about a mind mess: the guy who plays Thorin dressing up as Thorin?

Better than the original costume, me thinks…

Thorin halloween costume Richard Armitage

Last but not least, if this can’t be Richard’s Halloween costume, can it at least be his jammies?

Howdy to you partner!

Richard Armitage Toy Story Halloween costume

*again, I shall refrain from any Woody jokes, but those pants leave little to the imagination…*

Happy Halloween!

pumpkin-thorin-kopia

The Picture of Richard Armitage or The Secret of RA Youth

Today marks the start of RA Halloween Week (OK, technically it’s Halloween 4 days, but that doesn’t have the same ring to it…).

I’ll be serving up the usual mayhem and madness, but I’ll also be trying out some new things like a ficlet or two, so I hope you’ll have yourself a spooky week 4 days.

It’s also the only time when the following image makes any sense:

Richard Armitage Halloween See you soon

Richard just looks better with age, there’s no denying it, but what’s the man’s secret?

Maybe a portrait hidden somewhere in his (alleged) NY abode?

One that shows all of his deepest darkest secrets that he wants to keep away from the prying eyes of his fans (sleepless nights partying, one too many shots of Russian vodka, a love of chocolate ice-cream…).

Thornton portrait 2

So now you know, but don’t mention it to Richard, he’s very touchy on the subject 😉

What other beauty tips does RA use to keep us fangirls salivating yearning?

Get Thorinized for Halloween

Although  I’m still holding on to summer for as long as I can, it seems others are already thinking about Halloween.

We don’t really celebrate it here because November 1st is All Saint’s Day which serves a whole different purpose, but the few times I did get to play  Halloween costume dress-up, it was a blast.

I think it’s safe to predict that the cast of The Hobbit, and Thorin especially, are going to be popular this year, although I hope producers will have ironed out the look a bit by then.

For now it’s a pass from me…

Just so we’re clear what look we are aiming for, let me give everyone a quick Thorin refresher pic.

Masculine, furry, bulky, metaly… yup, I think I have a feel for what we’re going for here…

But how’s he going to dance dressed like that?

There’s something to be said about this dwarven boyband look, but does he have the moves?

More importantly, does it come with its own wind machine for that tousled look?

You can also go biblical…

There just aren’t enough dwarves in the old testament if you ask me.

Talking of bygone times:

If you’ve ever wondered what Guy would look like dressed up as Thorin…

You’re welcome!

By the way, sheriff Vasey is going as Gollum.

Shop bought Thorin costumes are not for everybody (might I dare suggest they’re not for anybody…).

You may just be better off sewing your own stuff from patterns.

Nothing will get you into that butch dwarf mindset like slaving away at the sewing machine.

But if you know deep in your heart you can never make a convincing Thorin, just pass the fur coat buck to your household pet…

Click on images to be linked their source.

thorin pumpkin

Halloween Pin Up Girls

Happy Halloween!

I was thrilled to find these Gil Elvgren Zombie Pin Up Girls, as it’s the perfect way to celebrate the holiday 🙂

By the way, if you want to assure that you end up a sexy Pin Up Zombie, make sure you carry this card on you at all times just in case 🙂

Click to visit the original post

I’ve picked mine up and this is the result:

Have a Zombielicious Day!

Taking a Knife to Thorin and other Halloween Delights

Happy (early) Halloween!

We’re celebrating a day early this year as my BFF Max in going home for All Saint’s Day.

We’ll be celebrating by watching a few Tim Burton movies, as I’m not feeling bloody gory horror films this year.

We’ll also be testing the bread I’ve been baking.

I’m trying to find the perfect balance to make the perfect loaf of bread for All Saint’s Day.

It must compliment the Bigos, a stew of sauerkraut and meat that I make once a year.

I’ve even pulled out a bit of butter from the freezer to spread on the hot slices 🙂

I’ll also be carving a pumpkin, although I’m yet to find the perfect one.

Pumpkin 10

Last year I stuck a knife into the top, it got stuck in the hard pumpkin, I tried to yank it out, and ended up smashing the knife handle into my forehead.

Believe me, a giant plum-like bruise on the forehead caused by a resistant jack-o-lantern is one hell of a conversation starter 😉

I wish I could pretend that I’m carving The Hobbit dwarves this year, but my pumpkin will be pretty standard, and as always, I’ll probably end up burning the inside with a candle that’s too large.

It’ll start out as a charming toothless grin but soon will turn into a desperate grimace as we always place the jack-o-lantern too close to the telly.

By the way, I always though there was something Zombie-like about Dwarves.

Although they know how to enjoy life and like their wine and song, they all display a narrow-minded obsession and follow it with little regard of the consequences.

This is also a great idea for Sir PJ.

Once he’s milked every ounce from the Tolkien books, he can always do a few The Return of the Dwarves or The Night of the Undead Dwarves.

I know I’d go to see it, and so would you 🙂

Anyway, obsessed or not, alive or very much dead, Thorin is hot Dwarf Zombie!

Happy Halloween!

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