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Whip my butt into shape, Lee

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Recently my BFF Max told me of a success story about a guy spending 80 days to get in shape. That included regular gym sessions with a personal trainer.

I cannot lie, I think I would benefit from a stint like that.

Perhaps one day, when I’m lucky enough to win the lottery and have enough money to pay someone to yell and cuss at me, torture and traumatize me.

I think I have the perfect candidate.

 

Lee Preston from “Cold Feet”

I guess he would start with a round of aqua aerobic, just to get the blood pumping. 

 

 I feel like I’ve burned a few calories already…

 

It’s time to hit the gym

Make sure you work on all the muscle groups. Your personal trainer will keep an eye on you, so you are not injured and do not pull a ligament

 

After a round of extensive exercise, it is important to relax with a massage, to rub those sore muscles.

 

You can also alleviate muscle pain by spending some time in the sauna.

 

Take plenty of rest and make sure you catch up on your sleep to give your body a chance to recuperate

 Images: RACentral

 

 By the way, it seems like quite a strenuous job though…

 

An RA Striptease

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Image: Crispin’s eclipse

It’s the time of the year when we gear up celebrate love. I personally shall buy myself a big box of chocolates (I’ve deserved it) and perhaps revisit some of my favorite RA romantic moments.

If you are in a relationship, you may want to surprise your lucky fella with a slow teasing dance and give him something to remember.

At this point I must encourage you to pop back to RA’s series where he takes off his clothes- only because the requires it, mind. You will find these in Spooks and Strike Back. Usually he removes his clothing in a swift move and there is little stripteasing per se, but I dare you not to rewind it a few times… COUGH… moving on…

Image: me+richard

Striptease

Now, I must admit I’ve never actually done a striptease and have only ever seen it on telly, in movies and once I saw a Chippendales type of performance. It wasn’t good. To be honest, I think most of the ladies there were embarassed more than anything.

 There’s just something about a man in a g-string that places him somewhere close to a nude man in socks (I have put a ban on the images of RA as Paul in Between the Sheets- just couldn’t get past the socks…).

Image: Armitage Fan Blog

It was hard to find a man imitating a Top Gun character, or a police man appealing. It just didn’t work for me at all.

Needless to say, it was nothing like this..

Image: jagrant

BTW I just noticed Lucas has a tramp stamp, not that I was looking…

According to specialists, if you’ve ever thought of doing a striptease, the chances are that your partner has too.

Here are some tips to get it right:

SET THE SCENE

 Image: me+richard

Start your seduction with a titillating e-mail or call earlier that day, pop in a CD, turn the lights down low. Light candles and plunk your lovers bottom on the sofa. Put away your RA posters, Guy dolls and whatnots.

START STRUTTING

 Image: me+richard

It’s all about attitude. Start parading around your man, making a figure of eight with your hips. Place one foot directly in front of the other. Keep you head up, chest out! Be bold, sassy, sensual. If all else fails, take a huge gulp of champagne.

Like so…

Image: RichardArmitakeDrinksThings

SCARF TEASE

Start playing with a scarf or, if you happen to have one, a feather boa. Apparently it represents a phallic object, but lets not get into that. You can run it over your shoulders, run it seductively through your hands. You can use it as a blindfold, put it around his neck to draw him close.

TIME FOR THE STRIP PART

 Image: me+richard

Start removing your clothes. The key word here is slow. Turn your back to your man, look over the shoulder. Start unbuttoning, shrug your shoulders and do not drop your items of clothing with a thump on the floor. You can start throwing the objects at him, but beware of heavy zippers and buttons. You want to hurt him, but with your sexiness, not a black eye. When unzipping, arch your back and stick our your bum.

Image: me+richard

Word to the wise- do not get your skirt caught around your ankles. You will topple, you will fall, that will probably result in undignified humiliation.

This would be a good time to lay off the bubbly.

ESSENTIALS

Keep the heels on. You can remove them when you start removing your stockings. You can ping the garter belt and slowly roll down one stocking, then the other. Need I remind you that tights (or pantyhose, as the Americans say) are not an option. I have heard men say there is possibly nothing quite so asexual as a woman who looks like Barbie down there ;)

Stripping should be like unwrapping a present, the wrapping sure can be pretty, but the real prize is underneath.

THE VICTORY LAP

Image: Allthingsarmitage

Take your undies off slow, teasing all the way. Once in the buff, it’s time to take a victory lap and strut your stuff. You’ve gone so far, be bold, not bashful. You’ve got so far don’t shy away!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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