Amitage Moustache Madness

We’ve seen Richard’s face sporting all levels of fuzziness, from smooth as a baby’s bottom to hairy beary, but not so much with moustaches.

I remember there being a dodgy lip warmer in Malice Aforethought and Miss Marie Lloyd, but I think that’s it (please correct me if I’m wrong).

Staches aren’t exactly the height of fashion now, and my dad seems to be the only man who can pull one off.

Don’t get me wrong, we’ve tried to get him to shave, but it’s just become a part of him and I think he feels bare without it.

If you think there’s not much to a moustache, think again!

There are different shapes and sizes.

Don’t believe me?

And if you want to get all fancy and europeany about it, here’s a posher version of the good old moustache chart (you snob!):

First up, the Fu Manchu, is a full, straight moustache that grows downward past the lips and on either side of the chin.

The pointed ends hang towards or past the jaw line.

To me it’s more like the Fu Hell’s Angels, but what do I know…

Next up is a cross between the Regular Mo and Handlebar, although I’m getting a hint of Dr Watson too.

Quick, pass the pipe and an annoyed Sherlock.

If a more slick version is your cup of tea, how about the full Handlebar.

He look like he’s about the release doves from his sleeve and sew a woman in half (I volunteer, Richard The Ravenous!).

Then we have the Dali, which makes everyone look like a pompous twat artsy.

I could just go around drawing these on every magazine cover model.

I could just go around drawing these on Richard.

I could go around….Richard…

Next up is something that I’d like to call Dali in the Rain.

It’s what my hair does when I curl it and step outside my house.

If the purpose of a moustache is to warm the upper lip then this style has it covered (pun intended).

It’s the Walrus, but it looks like the Horseshoe on steroids.

The phrase “Waiter, waiter, there’s a hair in my soup” is unavoidable…

By now you could have noticed that the chin was getting a little lonely, so here’s a Handlebar and Chin Puff.

Sometime a man just needs to get his sleaze on…

We need an Armitage Admirer poll to select the best option for Richard, so I’ve compiled some poll options.

And “no moustache” is not an option, sorry to say!

Let’s imagine that Richard in the mayor of Moustacheville in Moustachion county, New Moustache state, The United States of Moustache.

In other words, he’s getting a moustache and you’ve just got to deal with it 😉

Here are your options:

So, I moustache you this question:

Can you guess which one is my favourite?

“Sacre bleu, ver ees Marguerite goin wit de basket full ov baguettes and fromage?

Regarder en arrière à moi, you fille stupide!”♦

♦ I don’t speak French, can you tell?

 Oh là là, I can’t lie, Monsieur Jean Thornton is turning me on 😉

Get Thorinized for Halloween

Although  I’m still holding on to summer for as long as I can, it seems others are already thinking about Halloween.

We don’t really celebrate it here because November 1st is All Saint’s Day which serves a whole different purpose, but the few times I did get to play  Halloween costume dress-up, it was a blast.

I think it’s safe to predict that the cast of The Hobbit, and Thorin especially, are going to be popular this year, although I hope producers will have ironed out the look a bit by then.

For now it’s a pass from me…

Just so we’re clear what look we are aiming for, let me give everyone a quick Thorin refresher pic.

Masculine, furry, bulky, metaly… yup, I think I have a feel for what we’re going for here…

But how’s he going to dance dressed like that?

There’s something to be said about this dwarven boyband look, but does he have the moves?

More importantly, does it come with its own wind machine for that tousled look?

You can also go biblical…

There just aren’t enough dwarves in the old testament if you ask me.

Talking of bygone times:

If you’ve ever wondered what Guy would look like dressed up as Thorin…

You’re welcome!

By the way, sheriff Vasey is going as Gollum.

Shop bought Thorin costumes are not for everybody (might I dare suggest they’re not for anybody…).

You may just be better off sewing your own stuff from patterns.

Nothing will get you into that butch dwarf mindset like slaving away at the sewing machine.

But if you know deep in your heart you can never make a convincing Thorin, just pass the fur coat buck to your household pet…

Click on images to be linked their source.

The Love Song of R.Crispin Armitage’s Beard

Oh the beard, THE beard, the BEARD!

I’ve done so many different things to it and with it, apart from sitting on it actually touching it (which would be crossing so many lines, not to mention laws, even I know that…).

Let me see:

 I’ve fixated on it, I’ve sold it, I’ve even created a Beard Fairy.

The punchline?

I wish I could say that at first I didn’t like the beard, but it grew on me…

Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t kick it out of bed (out of fear Richard Armitage would come tumbling out of it as well seeing they’re kind of attached and what are the odds he’d climb back into bed with me a SECOND time?).

If I’m honest the only beard I want on a hot actor is the Victoria’s Secret model type on his arm on the red carpet, to keep up the illusion of him being straight (Ya know, just like…. Oh, insert almost any actor’s name here…).

Moving veeeeeery swiftly along in order to avoid the controversial g-a-y issue before things get a tad hairy….

No matter how hard I try to avoid the hairy thing, it seems to be following me (but not literally because that would be cause for great concern!).

Some say a man without a beard is very much like a woman with one, however I stand by every female’s right to grow one, especially if you’re a lady dwarf!

Anyway, as we stand by, holding our collective Armitage Admiration breath, watching out for any indication that Richard is in fact releasing the bearded beast from within just in time for NZ, I’d like to offer some suggestions on how to change that baby face into Cousin It.

Take my advice Richard Armitage, and you’ll be having me bitching about that bloody hairy thing in no time!

Firstly, and most importantly, stop shaving!

Assert your right, not to mention the need, to grow a beard.

Glueing on fake beards is for wimps and you’re not a wimp, are you Rich?

Richard Armitage, put the Gillette products down!

Eating a healthy diet can also aid the growth, so Richard, eat your vegetables at every meal.

Yes, even the spinach AND the brussels sprouts, unless you want a beard that looks like you’ve just hit puberty, and I start calling you Justin Bieber.

Talking of boys to men, growing a beard is an affirmation of manliness and masculinity, so make sure you puff that chest out, get a comb-over, have a few pints of larger, fart in bed, refer to some women as ‘Birds” and keep that testosterone level nice and high.

It is acceptable for you to belch in public while you are growing out the stubble, it’s the manly thing to do (especially if you’re eating non-rabbit food like meat!).

Also, wear plaid and drive a truck and NEVER use a coaster, at least till the beard has filled in nicely.

Going from stubble to Alf may cause irritation, so soothe your itchy newly bearded skin with a  moisturizing lotion or other skin-care products.

I say, if it itches, just scratch it, kinda like when I get that itch to look at Richard Armitage and automatically scratch it by going online.

Once the hairy monstrocity cheek warmer grows out, it’s time to give it some TLC.

I read somewhere that trimming your beard is like tending a bonsai.

I’m suddenly overwhelmed with the thought that Richard’s beard is like a dwarf miniature tree in a container, and I’m feeling much less zen.

I’m trying to locate Treating Your Beard Like a Bonsai for Dummies on amazon, but they must have sold out.

Oh, and ladies, all of the above tips works quite well if you’re trying to grow some leg hair too.

You may wonder why I’ve spent so much time on something that should, in my humble opinion, be flushed down the loo (minus Richard of course).

I have great respect for the beard.

The beard (almost) single-handedly (or -hairly) has managed to earn a $1bn to date.

Not bad for some slightly greying facial hair growth!

Ps. The post title is inspired by The Love Song of J.Alfred Prufrock.

T.S Eliot is rolling in his grave and I do apologise for using his wonderful poem for my own silly amusement.

Braid It Like a Hot Dwarf!

I really adore this movie poster for The Hobbit!

There are some wonderful beards and hairstyles that prove that Dwarves are quite stylish.

You just have to admire a male who takes pride in his physical appearance.

I felt Thorin could use a little style twist to make him stand out a little more.

Apart from bushy eyebrows, another fun idea for the première of the film that should be called The Dwarf would be a nice plaited do.

Here are some interesting ideas, so it’s time to start practicing, as they do seem complicated.

Let’s hope we’re not bald by the time December rolls round because of the braiding experiments.

Show Thorin some love!

A great Hobbit première idea if you’re seeing the film with other fans

Cross braids instead of swords…

How about a nod towards Richard’s new tornado film Black Sky…

When traveling with a Hobbit, weave your own picnic basket so you’re always stocked up on snacks.

Thorin’s pony needs a style upgrade too.

Channel your inner Elrond and go Elf-style.

My favorite 🙂

Then again, you may just want to directly imitate the dwarves styles.
I’d go for this look, with the triple mohawk decorated with braids:

Ladies, it’s time to Dwarf Braid it Like it’s HOT!

Images: Buzzfeed

Kiss Me, Richard Honey, Kiss Me, Busy Bee!

Happy Silly Sunday!

As some of you know, my Photoshop trial ended a few days ago, and I was a bit bummed out about that.

Well, I’ve finally got a proper PS on my computer, and may the good heavens save us all… 😉

I ended up spending the entire Saturday creating:

Busy Bee Richard!

It’s my first big effort, so be gentle!

It takes hours, and while you’re in the process, you think you’re creating the bloody Lion King!

After many (many many many…) trials and errors, here is the final product.

Not perfect, but Oh! so fun to do 😉

The Armitage Beard Fairy

By now I am sure you are all proud owners of The Armitage Beard Trimmings Delux Set!

We have been discussing the multiple uses from such an item, such as cloning or love potions.

I suggest you check out the comments from that post, as there are many interesting ideas!

Linda60 and I have actually come up with another way to best utilize your Armitage Beard.

Move over Tinkerbell, there’s a new fairy in town!

I’d like to introduce you to:

The Armitage Beard Fairy is not just a myth.

He comes to all the good girls who brush their teeth, wear nice pyjamas, place their RA beard trimmings under their pillow, and dream beautiful Armitage dreams!

Please click HERE or on the image to see the Armitage Bread Fairy in action, as wordp*ss has deemed the file too large 😦

CLICK BELOW ON IMAGE!

By the way, this is no ordinary Fairy!

Instead of bringing coins, it comes bearing much sweeter-smelling gifts.

I managed to capture The Armitage Beard Fairy as it was about to visit a good girl’s home.

Investing in that spy equipment sure is paying off!

Have a look:

I wish you sweet dreams tonight 🙂

By the way, please stop by tomorrow, as I will be posting info regarding the Richard Armitage Birthday Countdown Bonanza,  also known as Operation Armitage Birthday, which starts this Wednesday 12pm GMT and runs for 7 days straight!

I’d like to take this opportunity to shout out a huge THANK YOU! to Seba from Gisborne’s Boy for being my partner in crime on this project!

I’m sure that in the not-so-distant future Seba and I will actually be on speaking terms again, and I won’t have to contact him through his lawyers 😉

See you tomorrow!

Armitage Beard Trimmings ON SPECIAL OFFER!

Ladies and Gentlemen!

We have an AMAZING item on offer today!

The Armitage Beard Trimmings!

For a limited time only, you can order this item, and change your life!

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be the proud owner of a celebrity beard?

Now you have the chance!

You have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to buy the best nature can offer!

Grab your phone and order:

The Armitage Beard Trimmings Delux Set

The set includes:

→A velvet pouch with 1 ounce of the trimmings of Richard Armitage’s Beard•

Each comes with a Certificate of Authenticity.

Keep your Richard Armitage Beard Trimmings close to you with this stylish pouch!

It fits comfortably into your handbag, and can also be worn around the neck.

→A user guide on how to get the best from your Armitage Beard!

If you order NOW, you will also receive:

→The decorative frame for your Armitage Beard Trimmings!

For those who order more than 2 sets we have a special gift!

→An artificial beard °, similar in style to the one Richard Armitage had during the shooting of the Hobbit and at Comic-Con in San Diego.

A must for any fashionable person!

Wow your friends and family with your sense of style, and be the envy of all!

Be prepared for the December premier!

•Please note, the set does not include the actor Richard Armitage

°Made in China