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Single and Ready to Mingle? Head for Middle Earth!

Middle Earth Lonely hearts Thorin

Do you know what Empire’s list of Sexiest Movie Stars 2013 tells me?

If you are single and ready to mingle, Middle Earth is the way to go!

Don’t let the rocker look fool you, Aragorn is a man at one with nature.

He enjoys long strolls in the countryside and has basic Bear Grills/Boy Scout survival skills  that may come in handy when he takes you camping.

Aragorn has been in long-distance relationships before and is protective and loyal.


Here’s confirmed bachelor Bilbo Baggins.

Bilbo likes to take long walks in the Shire, cook and he fancies himself as a bit of a writer.

He’s looking for a gal who’s a home-body, shares his passion for elevenses and won’t eat the last pie in the pantry!


If youthful energy is what you seek, Kili is your dwarf guy!

Kili enjoys going on adventures, extreme sports, and archery.

He’s a family man and likes nothing more than camping out, singing and telling stories around the fire.


If it’s an active man you seek, Éomer is the one for you!

This horse whisperer with a heart of gold enjoys riding out into the country, hunting and sword wielding.

Ladies, the man has a mane to die for, which seems to run in the family, so keep an eye out for your hair conditioner…


Thranduil enjoys moose riding and realm domination.

He is looking for a woman who is not a dwarf.


Legolas may seem like a tranquil sort of elf bloke, but he’s always up for an adventure, an enjoys travelling.

He is loyal and handy with a bow and arrow if that’s your sort of thing.

He’s also pretty fit, looks great in a pair of tights, and enjoys cross-country runs and dwarf tossing.

And ladies, Legolas can carry a tune, so prepare to be serenaded.


Despite having difficulties in reading maps, Thorin Oakenshield makes up for it in his majestic air.

He enjoys speleology, believes the sword is mightier than the pen, and likes bird watching (especially eagles).

He’s also into genealogy and tracing his family mountain tree.

Ladies, Thorin sure likes his bling bling, so if you you’re looking for a playa’…


Smaug is not for the faint-hearted, but he may well set your heart on fire.

He enjoys long naps and antique items, especially jewels.


Ladies, the ratio of hot single men to women in Middle Earth is even better that in Alaska, so if you’re looking for a luv connection, maybe it’s time to grab your bow and arrow, pack up your pony, and head out there!


About Agzy The Ripper

Sew, Rip, Repeat... and love each moment of it! Join me as I embark on a myriad of sewing and crafting shenanigans.

36 responses »

  1. May I please add one guy to your list? Although I most likely cheer for the chap with the biggest sword (small wonder, ehy?) there is another man in middle earth who is incredibly sexy. Sir Peter Jackson. Visionarys are sexy (if their vision is to the benefit of people, and they get their vision off the ground).

    • I agree! 😀

    • Interesting, is he on your “not that attractive but incredibly hot” list? Alan Rickman is on mine 🙂 I must admit I’ve never seen Sir PJ in that light, but aren’t we always drawn to artistic men who show signs of genius? Apart from poor Van Gogh, no one found him particularly sexy!

      • Well, Alan Rickman IS attracitve and hot. He made such a wonderful sheriff of Nottingham. Once again the baddy was far hotter than the good guy.
        And yes, genius is very sexy.
        Van Gogh? That was really a pity. unfortunately sexy-genius only seems to work in combination with success. Unsuccsessful genius is just sinister and bizarr. Until the genius is discovered. In Van Goghs case too late for him…
        Otoh he was a ginger. Sexy-ginger only seems to work for Damian Lewis. Sorry Vincent.

  2. Excellent! Thranduil! I can’t stop laughing. Re Thorin: I had t look up “Speleology”. I felt like such an idiot afterwards – Spelunking, hello! Great stuff!

  3. I think Bard, Beorn and even Grima are bachelors? Radagast? Well, not so really hot, I guess. There is a sincere lack of female characters in the Tolkien world…

    • Middle Earth is littered with available, if somewhat obsessed, males. Tolkien didn’t really focus on female characters too much, but I guess he figured boys who read The Hobbit still thought that “girls were stupid”. I felt like the trailer for DOS really pushed Lily’s elf character to the foreground, even maybe a little too much. We get it, hot female dwarf handy with a bow and arrow, her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard… now show me the hot dwarves please…

      • Ah, but the women he did write into the stories were not only gorgeous, they were also warriors, powerful, put love and loyalty above all else, and played crucial roles in the salvation of Middle-Earth. So, let’s hear it for Lúthien, Galadriel, Arwen Undómiel and Éowyn!

  4. I reckon the picture used for jake gyllenhaal at #35 is tantalizingly like our mr armitage! If you like that sort of beard/longish hair thing. They could hang out together and discuss strikeback/jarhead type things. Great to see RA at number #18 though!

    • And RA beat Brad Pitt. Not sure why I should be excited about that.

      • Hasn’t Brad been People Magazine’s Hottest Man or something? If RA beat Brad, that means he’s BEYOND the hottest man of the year! Yup, sounds about right to me 😉

    • It pains me to say it, but I totally don’t get Gyllenhaal, but at all! He’d have to bribe me to get on the list at all, sorry to say. Luckily for him I’m very easy to bribe, a box of good chocolates usually does the trick… Hey, maybe that’s how he got to #35 in the first place? 😉

  5. As always Agzy, something fun, sharp and clever to wake up to on a miserable Monday morning.

    • Oh no, is it miserable. I’m dispatching a dose of RA love as we speak.
      Paging Dr Alec!
      There’s a crap morning emergency and your services are required!
      Apply mouth to mouth if need be!

  6. littlesallyboots (Hannah A)

    Orlando Bloom at no.28? Ahead of Aidan and The Pace? That’s just rude, Empire!! (I say this because the boy actually makes me want to throw up. I just don’t get the attraction with him. At all! O_o)

    • Agreed, but then Orlando’s been the wonder boy for some time now (and I do mean boy and not man…). The only time I though he was funny was in an episode of Extras where he played a pompous tw*t so I’m not sure that counts.
      If Empire had consulted me before they went ahead and published the list, things would have been much different is all I’m saying…

      • littlesallyboots (Hannah A)

        He has been the wonder boy (yep, I mean boy too 😉 ) for ages, hasn’t he? And the only thing that makes me wonder is WHHHY?
        I think Empire should have contacted a few of us before forming their final list…maybe then they wouldn’t be looking so foolish now, eh? 😉

        • Of course I’d have to take time off from my busy schedule and jet-set lifestyle, but I would be more than willing to travel the world meeting up with potential Sexiest Men 2014 candidates. I think some will require at least a few interviews to establish just where I’d like to stick em’ (on the list that is…).
          It’s a nasty job, but someone’s got to do it. I’ll take one for the team.

          • littlesallyboots (Hannah A)

            And if you need company on that tough journey, all you need do is ask (me) 😉 I’ll be there to catch you when you swoon if you be on hand to tell me when I’m drooling! ;P

          • Misery loves company, so naturally you should come with me 🙂 Who’s going to hold my handbag when I go to the loo or get every second round of drinks?

  7. I’ve been ready to move to Middle-earth for years. Thorin, I’m coming baby!
    I want to add a word for Boromir too – gone, but never forgotten. We had some wild nights in Mordor long ago.

  8. I would just like to say..I would just like to… I would just….thud.

  9. So many guys, so little time…. That is a far better list than whatever Empire put together. I salute you….now as to who to pick….I like them a bit mature – so Thorin, Thrandie, possibly Aragorn, too – but wasn’t he “taken”. Smaug may be a bit too hot for me. I’ll stick with the two THs. 🙂 Thank you.

  10. W sumie to dobrze że nie jestem singielką gdyż, albowiem, ponieważ wszystkie te ” towary” prócz Orlanda są dla mnie za gorące 🙂 (zatrzymanie akcji serca gwarantowane)…a przy Thranduilrze i tak wyglądałabym jak potwór z Morii 😉

  11. If all they took into account in order to rate Richard was his role as Thorin, the people at Empire Magazine have clearly never had the chance to admire his Peaches and Thighs of Thunder. Otherwise, the would have agreed with us that he is the Sexiest Man Alive! Sorry, Ben and Tom, you’re both adorable, wonderful, talented men, but there is no comparison whatsoever. I know, because all my life I’ve been an ‘Equal Opportunity Admirer of Handsome Men’ and none of my movie boyfriends have ever had the effect on me that Richard exerts. That’s saying a lot, considering that Hugh Jackman was my first movie boyfriend, and we all know the man is FINE.

    I do have to come to Orlando Bloom’s defense. Although I do not have crushes on skinny boys (or any boys for that matter), I must say that when Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl came out in theaters in 2003, almost everyone was raving about Johnny Depp’s performance as Captain Jack Sparrow. I, however, was instantly smitten with Will Turner, who took my breath away because he was like an Errol Flynn come back to life. That had to have been Orlando’s goal with his performance because years later he named his son Errol. So, Mr. Bloom may be a skinny boy but he has charm and can be quite sexy when he wants to. If I was his age – and into thin men – I’d probably be crazy about him.

    Thanks, Agzy, for such a delightful way to start this Tuesday! Maybe you could follow this one up with a post about “The Voices of Middle-Earth”. We all know the world fell at Thorin’s feet when Richard said: “Gandalf” the moment the door to Bag End was opened to him.This time around, he’ll be competing with a certain dragon whose voice is as hot as the fire that comes out of his mouth, not to mention and arrogant, lying Elven King. OOOF!

  12. I love that my two favourites seems to be single in real life too, Richard and Benedict of course. What am I doing here, why don’t I go hunting.
    Anyway this was very funny. Lovely blog.

    • Thanks Zigg 🙂
      It shouldn’t make a difference and I wish both these beautiful actors all the best, but the fact that they are either single or they keep things on the down low isn’t too shabby 😉


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