Oh the beard, THE beard, the BEARD!
I’ve done so many different things to it and with it, apart from
sitting on it actually touching it (which would be crossing so many lines, not to mention laws, even I know that…).
Let me see:
I wish I could say that at first I didn’t like the beard, but it grew on me…
Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t kick it out of bed (out of fear Richard Armitage would come tumbling out of it as well seeing they’re kind of attached and what are the odds he’d climb back into bed with me a SECOND time?).
If I’m honest the only beard I want on a hot actor is the Victoria’s Secret model type on his arm on the red carpet, to keep up the illusion of him being straight (Ya know, just like…. Oh, insert almost any actor’s name here…).
Moving veeeeeery swiftly along in order to avoid the controversial g-a-y issue before things get a tad hairy….
No matter how hard I try to avoid the hairy thing, it seems to be following me (but not literally because that would be cause for great concern!).
Some say a man without a beard is very much like a woman with one, however I stand by every female’s right to grow one, especially if you’re a lady dwarf!
Anyway, as we stand by, holding our collective Armitage Admiration breath, watching out for any indication that Richard is in fact releasing the bearded beast from within just in time for NZ, I’d like to offer some suggestions on how to change that baby face into Cousin It.
Take my advice Richard Armitage, and you’ll be having me bitching about that bloody hairy thing in no time!
Firstly, and most importantly, stop shaving!
Assert your right, not to mention the need, to grow a beard.
Glueing on fake beards is for wimps and you’re not a wimp, are you Rich?
Richard Armitage, put the Gillette products down!
Eating a healthy diet can also aid the growth, so Richard, eat your vegetables at every meal.
Yes, even the spinach AND the brussels sprouts, unless you want a beard that looks like you’ve just hit puberty, and I start calling you Justin Bieber.
Talking of boys to men, growing a beard is an affirmation of manliness and masculinity, so make sure you puff that chest out, get a comb-over, have a few pints of larger, fart in bed, refer to some women as ‘Birds” and keep that testosterone level nice and high.
It is acceptable for you to belch in public while you are growing out the stubble, it’s the manly thing to do (especially if you’re eating non-rabbit food like meat!).
Also, wear plaid and drive a truck and NEVER use a coaster, at least till the beard has filled in nicely.
Going from stubble to Alf may cause irritation, so soothe your itchy newly bearded skin with a moisturizing lotion or other skin-care products.
I say, if it itches, just scratch it, kinda like when I get that itch to look at Richard Armitage and automatically scratch it by going online.
Once the hairy
monstrocity cheek warmer grows out, it’s time to give it some TLC.
I read somewhere that trimming your beard is like tending a bonsai.
I’m suddenly overwhelmed with the thought that Richard’s beard is like a dwarf miniature tree in a container, and I’m feeling much less zen.
I’m trying to locate Treating Your Beard Like a Bonsai for Dummies on amazon, but they must have sold out.
Oh, and ladies, all of the above tips works quite well if you’re trying to grow some leg hair too.
You may wonder why I’ve spent so much time on something that should, in my humble opinion, be flushed down the loo (minus Richard of course).
I have great respect for the beard.
The beard (almost) single-handedly (or -hairly) has managed to earn a $1bn to date.
Not bad for some slightly greying facial hair growth!
Ps. The post title is inspired by The Love Song of J.Alfred Prufrock.
T.S Eliot is rolling in his grave and I do apologise for using his wonderful poem for my own silly amusement.