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The Love Song of R.Crispin Armitage’s Beard

FanstRA4 Banner grey kopia

Oh the beard, THE beard, the BEARD!

I’ve done so many different things to it and with it, apart from sitting on it actually touching it (which would be crossing so many lines, not to mention laws, even I know that…).

Let me see:

 I’ve fixated on it, I’ve sold it, I’ve even created a Beard Fairy.

Richard-Armitage-by-Robert-Ascroft moustach pointy beard

The punchline?

I wish I could say that at first I didn’t like the beard, but it grew on me…

Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t kick it out of bed (out of fear Richard Armitage would come tumbling out of it as well seeing they’re kind of attached and what are the odds he’d climb back into bed with me a SECOND time?).

If I’m honest the only beard I want on a hot actor is the Victoria’s Secret model type on his arm on the red carpet, to keep up the illusion of him being straight (Ya know, just like…. Oh, insert almost any actor’s name here…).

Moving veeeeeery swiftly along in order to avoid the controversial g-a-y issue before things get a tad hairy….

Richard Armitage Man card

No matter how hard I try to avoid the hairy thing, it seems to be following me (but not literally because that would be cause for great concern!).

Some say a man without a beard is very much like a woman with one, however I stand by every female’s right to grow one, especially if you’re a lady dwarf!

Anyway, as we stand by, holding our collective Armitage Admiration breath, watching out for any indication that Richard is in fact releasing the bearded beast from within just in time for NZ, I’d like to offer some suggestions on how to change that baby face into Cousin It.

one hot fluffy mess

Take my advice Richard Armitage, and you’ll be having me bitching about that bloody hairy thing in no time!

Firstly, and most importantly, stop shaving!

Assert your right, not to mention the need, to grow a beard.

Glueing on fake beards is for wimps and you’re not a wimp, are you Rich?

Richard Armitage, put the Gillette products down!

Don't fake it! Armitage beard

Eating a healthy diet can also aid the growth, so Richard, eat your vegetables at every meal.

Yes, even the spinach AND the brussels sprouts, unless you want a beard that looks like you’ve just hit puberty, and I start calling you Justin Bieber.

All Man Richard Armitage

Talking of boys to men, growing a beard is an affirmation of manliness and masculinity, so make sure you puff that chest out, get a comb-over, have a few pints of larger, fart in bed, refer to some women as ‘Birds” and keep that testosterone level nice and high.

It is acceptable for you to belch in public while you are growing out the stubble, it’s the manly thing to do (especially if you’re eating non-rabbit food like meat!).

Also, wear plaid and drive a truck and NEVER use a coaster, at least till the beard has filled in nicely.

Thorin Beard shampoo

Going from stubble to Alf may cause irritation, so soothe your itchy newly bearded skin with a  moisturizing lotion or other skin-care products.

I say, if it itches, just scratch it, kinda like when I get that itch to look at Richard Armitage and automatically scratch it by going online.

Once the hairy monstrocity cheek warmer grows out, it’s time to give it some TLC.

Armitage Bonsai

I read somewhere that trimming your beard is like tending a bonsai.

I’m suddenly overwhelmed with the thought that Richard’s beard is like a dwarf miniature tree in a container, and I’m feeling much less zen.

I’m trying to locate Treating Your Beard Like a Bonsai for Dummies on amazon, but they must have sold out.

Oh, and ladies, all of the above tips works quite well if you’re trying to grow some leg hair too.

You may wonder why I’ve spent so much time on something that should, in my humble opinion, be flushed down the loo (minus Richard of course).

I have great respect for the beard.

The beard (almost) single-handedly (or -hairly) has managed to earn a $1bn to date.

Not bad for some slightly greying facial hair growth!

Ps. The post title is inspired by The Love Song of J.Alfred Prufrock.

T.S Eliot is rolling in his grave and I do apologise for using his wonderful poem for my own silly amusement.

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About Agzy The Ripper

Sew, Rip, Repeat... and love each moment of it! Join me as I embark on a myriad of sewing and crafting shenanigans.

21 responses »

  1. Hee,hee. I feel like I’m back teaching Kindergarten, but a twisted version for movie actors. Didn’t Richard say his emotional maturity was that of a six year old? Then I’m not too far away from the truth, am I? 😉

    P.S: Did you catch my post yesterday? I thinking of a few people while I wrote it – and you were one of them! Enjoy. Have a great day!

    Reply
  2. Where is beard-haters anonymous when you need them? I mean really, this was almost too much to bear(d). But yeah, much like you, bearded RA has grown on me. I do not cringe anymore when I see him bearded. But I do prefer him smooth or stubbly.

    Reply
  3. I hope dear Richard take your advice to heart Agzy ! And what do you think about a moustache cup ? His lovely moustache would not droop into his cup of tea !

    Reply
  4. I laughed a lot reading this. I like him mostly without a beard but he really did have a beautuful beard. And it’s nothing frong with sme hair, I ‘m really proud of my hairy legs, arm and toes. I even have some chesthair, but thakfully no facial hair, because I hate shaving. So I’m not a dwarf-lady, but love for al hairy people.

    Reply
  5. littlesallyboots

    Ah, The Beard! It is pretty glorious! And I reckon it’s pleased as punch that it has a post devoted to it in the name of FanstRA! 😉
    I love how Armi is clearly very proud that he grew his own beard – no fake facial hair for him!
    I reckon he has his own special beard comb so he can take good care of it as it grows – BEARD PRIDE, BABY!!
    Xx

    Reply
  6. Does he dare disturb the universe? 🙂

    Mmmm, can’t wait for the beard to come back. This post was hilarious!

    Reply
    • LOL! I was going to spoof the poem then I realised I was talking absolute rubbish. B.S Eliot more like 😉
      I’m amazed at the level of love for the fuzzy breakfast crumbs holder. It would suit a vicar as in: “a bloke, beard, Bible, and bad breath”, not so much our lovely!

      Reply
  7. I love this blog.

    Reply
    • Thanks My Darling! Your blog was one of the first regarding Armitage and it cracked me up so very much, I can only grin like a mad woman and thank you for your kind words 🙂 Ps. Please confirm to others that I did NOT bribe you to say these things!

      Reply
  8. I miss the beard! That scruffy look just doesn’t do it for me. Did he forget to shave or what? Oh Richard bring back the beard and please make it Thorin length. Purrr.

    Reply
  9. This guy made me change my mind about bearded men!! Well, but Richard looks gorgeous anyway!! 😉

    Reply
  10. LOL this is a hairy ode to the beard 🙂 I prefer him without but don’t mind him with, guess I’m easy?

    Reply
  11. Richard looks handsome and sexy any ole way, but I prefer him clean shaven where I can more see his angular facial features.

    Reply
  12. This post is just too funny! 😀

    Okay, no, it’s not “too” funny, it’s just hilarious is what it is! 😀 It had me making all sorts of noises, to the point where one of the cats turned to look at what the heck had got into me! Haha!

    Reply

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