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The Perfect Bride for Thorin Oakenshield

A while back we were discussing the anatomical features of the Thorin statue I am meaning to install in my bedroom (as a scarf rack, get your mind out of the gutter…).

One of the queries was what one could find once the Thorin figures clothes were in the wash…

In other words, would he be from the Ken school of anatomical correctness (meaning a pair of Y-fronts molded in plastic where other bits and bobs should be).

BTW, when I punched in ‘Ken naked’, I actually did get tones of pictures of a guy named Ken naked!

Good on you, Sir, let it all hang out!

Anyway, back to my twisted tale.

The musings lead me to think about the anatomy of the dwarves.

In vain I struggled to find some Tolkien forum that would go *cough* in-depth regarding the dwarves more personal features.

Believe me, I tried.

I stood at the gates of Hobbit geekdom, and on Gandalf’s suggestion, uttered:

‘Speak ‘Friend’ and Enter!'”

Unfortunately, Tolkien fans seem to be discussing dwarf private parts in some secret layer that mere mortals don’t have access to.

They probably time-share it with Batman.

Anyway, I figured the next best thing would be to analyse the fairer sex of dwarves, and through that gain some access to the private lives of the likes of Thorin and Kili.

Tolkien Gateway to the rescue!

Here, I learned that dwarf women are kept concealed inside the mountain halls.

I though that just wasn’t fair, until I learned that females looked just like the males, beards and all!

There’s just no way of distinguishing between them!

This does make me worry that Thorin and Kili may really be Thorina and, well, Kili ( it does sound like a girl’s name after all!).

 One-third of their population consisted of women, which was the reason for the slow increase in population of the race.

Either that, or it really is weird to have sex with a bearded woman!

What saddened me greatly was that less than one-third of Dwarf-men were married.

That meant there was no fuzzy cheeks to snuggle up to after a hard day at the mines.

I decided to play matchmaker to Thorin.

He’s such a strapping dwarf, with handsome features, and good prospects.

If he takes care of his woman as well as he does his sword, her life will be prim and polished.

If you have to sit around all your life in a damp mine, you might as well be knocking boots with Thorin while you do it!

Here are my suggestions:

Lucky Dwarf-lady nr.1

She may not be what you would call ‘dwarf eye candy’, but in the words of a song:

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty women your wife
Go for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you!

Lucky Dwarf-lady nr.2

My next suggestion is justified by the notion that perhaps Gentledwarves prefer blondes.

There’s a twinkle in her eye that Thorin may find appealing.

Plus, she braids her moustache, which may be a huge turn-on for dwarves.

Lucky Dwarf-lady nr.3

Last but not least, the belle of the Moria ball!

Her beard is not as impressive, but the size of her feet could put many men to shame!

Help Thorin pick his Fair Dwarf-Lady!

Let’s save him from a life of sitting around polishing his sword!

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About Agzy The Ripper

Sew, Rip, Repeat... and love each moment of it! Join me as I embark on a myriad of sewing and crafting shenanigans.

26 responses »

  1. Having the three options above, I guess Thorin is going to polish his sword forever….LOL

    Reply
    • LOL! I have a feeling he’d like it that way!

      Reply
      • Couldn’t stop laughing when I saw the three versions of the female dwarves!!! By the way, I really appreciate the light tone and good humour in your posts!! Wish you a really nice Friday and weekend!! 😉

        Reply
        • It seemed like a bizarre time, so I just went with it!
          I still have 28 days on my photoshop trial, so knows what the heck I’ll get up to! It’s a dangerous tool in unreliable hands 😉
          Have a wonderful weekend! Stay cool and have a nice drink on me! With an umbrella and a cherry!

          Reply
  2. Dziewczyno! wystarczy że zaniecham obowiązkowych “prac rolniczych” i broda jak malowanie!:) Głosowałam na blondynkę ale serce podpowiadało by wybrać piękną brunetkę.
    Odrzuciłam pierwszą kandydatke(ale nudna porządnisia) i ognistooką brunetkę ,zajechałaby Thorina na śmierć….

    Reply
  3. I voted for dwarf-lady number 1. After all, thanks to the latest vlog, we know she’s already comfortable calling him names. Isn’t that a requirement for being a good dwarf wife? 😉

    Reply
    • I haven’t seen the vlog in whole due to wonky internet connection, but I belive that a requirement for a good wife is indeed to be comfortable with her husbands name. Either whispered in passion(in this case, quite a disturbing thought…) or, more likely, screamed out with frustration and anger. Numer 1 it is then! 🙂

      Reply
  4. *Cannot respond because she died laughing*

    Reply
    • Thatright Jazz. This is an important decision. If you don’t lke the options I have presented , we can always go down the mail-orderes bride route. Or in this case, pony delivered wife 😉

      Reply
  5. No wonder poor Gimli was so immediately taken with Galadriel.
    They all look so fetching it’s difficult to make a decision LOL

    Reply
    • I know, step aside Brazilian supermodels. Tall and lanky is on the outs. Short, stocky and looking like a male dwarf is the new standard of female beauty!

      Reply
  6. Omg is all I can say! Lol

    Reply
  7. Just to be safe, maybe we should meet in Valinor to discuss the issue with Aulë. I’m sure that him as the “Mahal” can solve our questions.
    BTW, did you visit Balin’s tomb?

    Reply
    • Oh, dear Vec, I have created such an alterate Tolkien universe in my head, even the author wouldn’t recognize the world he has dreamed up 😉 That’s not to say that if the author was still alive, after a good chinwag with me, he wouldn’t rewrite parts of the books. In my head Aulë is a mad scientist type of character, who created the dwarves Frankenstein style 🙂 And wasn’t there a Bride for Frankenstein? LOL!

      Reply
  8. Snicker's Mom

    I voted for dwarf lady number 3 cuz AT is hot as man-dwarf or she-dwarf.

    Reply
  9. If Thorin (quite naughty,as we just learned!!) could choose, wouldn’t he go for all three of the sweet glammed up lady-dwarfs????? agzym, in short: you are hilarious!!

    Reply
    • Yes Linda, he would! I suggested nr.1 could be the first wife and mof his baby-dwarves, nr. 2 is the upgraded trophy wife, nr.3 could be the passionate lover 😉

      Reply
  10. Heyyy It’s so hilarious what you wrote and loved it!
    So, we all know that Thorin dies at the end of the book, and so his nephews does…
    We assumed, by the facts you wrote, Thorin died young, hot and….still virgin??? So do Kili and Fili…they were quite young….Just compare human’s age and dwarves age…..
    what do you think???

    Reply
    • Oh, the virgin discussion… interesting and I’ll take the bite. We know that female dwarves look just like the males, beards and all, so we really don’t know if there isn’t one among the dwarves travelling to the Lonely Mountain, the nights sure were cold, a certain amount of snuggling probably took place…
      I’m thinking that whatever happens on an unexpected journey stays on an unexpected journey 😉

      Reply
  11. HAhahaha! nice one!
    well well well….could be Bombur the hot chick of the journey????

    Reply

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