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Daily Archives: July 27, 2012

The Perfect Bride for Thorin Oakenshield

A while back we were discussing the anatomical features of the Thorin statue I am meaning to install in my bedroom (as a scarf rack, get your mind out of the gutter…).

One of the queries was what one could find once the Thorin figures clothes were in the wash…

In other words, would he be from the Ken school of anatomical correctness (meaning a pair of Y-fronts molded in plastic where other bits and bobs should be).

BTW, when I punched in ‘Ken naked’, I actually did get tones of pictures of a guy named Ken naked!

Good on you, Sir, let it all hang out!

Anyway, back to my twisted tale.

The musings lead me to think about the anatomy of the dwarves.

In vain I struggled to find some Tolkien forum that would go *cough* in-depth regarding the dwarves more personal features.

Believe me, I tried.

I stood at the gates of Hobbit geekdom, and on Gandalf’s suggestion, uttered:

‘Speak ‘Friend’ and Enter!'”

Unfortunately, Tolkien fans seem to be discussing dwarf private parts in some secret layer that mere mortals don’t have access to.

They probably time-share it with Batman.

Anyway, I figured the next best thing would be to analyse the fairer sex of dwarves, and through that gain some access to the private lives of the likes of Thorin and Kili.

Tolkien Gateway to the rescue!

Here, I learned that dwarf women are kept concealed inside the mountain halls.

I though that just wasn’t fair, until I learned that females looked just like the males, beards and all!

There’s just no way of distinguishing between them!

This does make me worry that Thorin and Kili may really be Thorina and, well, Kili ( it does sound like a girl’s name after all!).

 One-third of their population consisted of women, which was the reason for the slow increase in population of the race.

Either that, or it really is weird to have sex with a bearded woman!

What saddened me greatly was that less than one-third of Dwarf-men were married.

That meant there was no fuzzy cheeks to snuggle up to after a hard day at the mines.

I decided to play matchmaker to Thorin.

He’s such a strapping dwarf, with handsome features, and good prospects.

If he takes care of his woman as well as he does his sword, her life will be prim and polished.

If you have to sit around all your life in a damp mine, you might as well be knocking boots with Thorin while you do it!

Here are my suggestions:

Lucky Dwarf-lady nr.1

She may not be what you would call ‘dwarf eye candy’, but in the words of a song:

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty women your wife
Go for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you!

Lucky Dwarf-lady nr.2

My next suggestion is justified by the notion that perhaps Gentledwarves prefer blondes.

There’s a twinkle in her eye that Thorin may find appealing.

Plus, she braids her moustache, which may be a huge turn-on for dwarves.

Lucky Dwarf-lady nr.3

Last but not least, the belle of the Moria ball!

Her beard is not as impressive, but the size of her feet could put many men to shame!

Help Thorin pick his Fair Dwarf-Lady!

Let’s save him from a life of sitting around polishing his sword!

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