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On making Richard Armitage feel at home in the US! A Guide for Americans

Dear Americans,

For the next 2 months or so, you will have the pleasure of hosting British actor Richard Armitage.

I would just like to underline that he is on loan from Europe, and we would like him back at some point.

New Zealand played fair, and so should you!

I wouldn’t be the person I am if I didn’t offer some advice and guidance on how to make Richard feel at home.

Here are my top 10 tips, feel free to add any of your own.

1. He doesn’t drink coffee, he takes tea, my dear! (Thanks Sting).

Coffee is vulgar and offensive to a Brit and should never be offered at breakfast.

Richard may ask for it in the morning, but he’s just being polite.

Refuse him sternly, and insist he has an Earl Grey with milk and sugar!

2. Just as Americans always say ‘Have a nice day!’, the British often use phrases like: ‘I say, steady on old chap’ and ‘Right you are Gov’nor’.

Think Mary Poppins and Charles Dickens when you choose your phrases to make Richard feel right at home!

Also, take the time to teach him the proper meaning of the word ‘chips’.

3. In general, put on a faux British accent.

The Brits love it! Really!

There’s nothing quite like an American imitating the Queens English!

The only reason Brits don’t seem so enthusiastic about your attempts is because all they are, ya know, so cool and reserved!

4. Make plenty of rude comments about the French.

I know, I don’t get it either, must be a cultural/historic thing…

You can also mention the American Revolution, and ask whatever happened to The British Empire.

5. Get the fog machine out, pray for rain.

Every time it does rain, comment that he must feel right at home.

In general, 95% of conversation not relating to filming should be about the weather.

Any other topic would bore Richard, or just be highly inappropriate!

6. Have a cricket field close to his hotel, with a Pub en route.

Convey to Richard that he can put on his bowler hat, crab his cane and go play cricket, stopping for a pint of larger along the way.

He’ll appreciate your thoughtfulness, and think you’re a stand up sort of chap.

On the topic of sports, explain to Richard why he’s been so wrong in the understanding of the word ‘football’.

You mustn’t let him make that blunder!

7. Make sure you tell Richard about your trip to London in 1994.

Mention it at least 3 times, and list all the landmarks you visited, one by one.

Buckingham Palace, Changing of the Guards, Piccadilly Circus…

Have holiday snapshots to illustrate your London trip.

If you can also underline that your ancestors were from England, Scotland or Ireland, I’m sure he’d be ever so grateful, and he’d feel you must be kindred spirits, hearing about something that happened years ago to people he’s never heard of.

8. Make as many Monty Python references as you can!

Every time Richard makes anything remotely resembling a joke, be sure to say: ‘That must be that famous British humour!’ and poke him in the ribs for good measure.

He’ll love it, but being the typical British gentleman, he’ll refrain from bursting out with laughter!

9. Ask Richard to do his  best Austin Powers impression.

Yeah, baby!

He may refuse at first, but encourage him by impersonate Powers yourself!

The Brits have long regarded the International Man of Mystery as the best ambassador of all things British.

In a poll conducted by Ms Ayama Royal-Prick, he beat the Queen, One Direction, and rice pudding!

If you could provide fake Austin Powers teeth, that would just be the cherry on the cake…sorry…pie…pudding!

He’ll feel so welcome, I think it would render him speechless!

10. Every time you see Richard eating, make sure you express how happy you are that he is finally able to taste some proper food, seeing that British cuisine is so bland and stodgy.

You may also want to add how amazed you are he grew up to be such a dashing lad on baked beans, speckled dick and haggis.

Go ahead and give him your thought on The Full English Breakfast versus a stack of pancakes with maple syrup and a rasher of bacon on the side.

It’s a solid conversational topic, and one that shows your excellent knowledge of all things British.

Here is the British comedian, Ricky Gervais on the top 10 things Americans say that Brits hate.

By the way, I’d say all these things to Richard, just to prove Gervais wrong!

If you take my tips to heart, Richard will feel so good in the USA, he might never want to leave…

*smirks, rubbing hands*

*starts chuckling*

*chuckle turns into diabolic laughter*

*bursts into evil flames, consumed by her own wickedness*

Mr Armitage, we’ll see you back in Europe very soon!


About Agzy The Ripper

Sew, Rip, Repeat... and love each moment of it! Join me as I embark on a myriad of sewing and crafting shenanigans.

40 responses »

  1. Yuck – tea with milk AND sugar – you must be joking!!!! Are you 100% sure Richard doesn’t like coffee?

    As soon as I read the tea bit, I felt ill so I haven’t read any more of your list as yet – will go back to the beginning as soon as I’ve posted this comment 🙂

    Oh, yes – he definitely is only on loan to America – for a very short period of time – this time and any other times he’s offered work in the US! I’m an Australian but I want him to keep the UK as his home base. 😉

    • Yes Kathryn, I’m POSITIVE! And if this is going to work (meaning if we are to help our American friends make Richard feel really good in the US) we all have to work very hard to convince them that ALL that I have written on the list is the way to go! Mwaaahhhaaaaaa!

  2. Hilarious! I’m glad he’s visiting us, and on behalf of all American women I welcome him to the “bosoms of my bosoms”

    Glad he’s visiting, hope he does often, but I also don’t want him to go “Hollywood” 😉

    • Thanks Fabo! Seeing as Richard is exchanging European bosoms for American bosoms, but as long as there are some bosoms of someones bosoms available to him, that’s OK!
      Now, if Richard were to go bosomless, I’d take issue 😉

  3. I’m so naive that I started reading that as if you were going to give us honest to goodness advice, got to the bottom of it and went …. “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait a seconnnnnnnnnd ………………”

    Me = the Epitome of the Stereotypical American


    • Ahhh, bless! I’m way too evil to help any of you American Brazen Hussies claim our European gem 😉

      • BTW, can I just add that you do epitomise the stereotypical American- in your enthusiasm, positive outlook, need to do good and see the best in people. And this time, I’m not joking 😉

        • ..a tak serio to co myślisz o Tej osobie?(mowię o uśmiechniętej buzi z tą grzywką przez oko;) powyzej…. bo ja się nad nia zastanawiam.

        • To jeszcze raz ja,przepraszam 😉
          Mam ochote jej odpisac słowam Georga Carlina “Have a crappy day”! tylko nie wiem czy powinnam , to twój blog nie chcę Ci tu wywołać burzy…w szklance wody;)

          • To taka straszna dupa, bo tak się składa że obie bardzo lubię, a one take wredne w stosunku do siebie! A ja bidula nie wiem co robić 😦 Baby, ach te baby! Nic tylko przez kolano i rozumu uczyć…

          • Hahaha! Dzięki…Ty nigdy nie zawodzisz!:)
            Szrpiemy się o ten kawałek “gaci”(RA) jak zakochane nastolatki!:D
            BTW-owielbiam to po prostu:D

          • Oj, kochana, to taka zaawansowana polityka, że ten biedny aktorzyna to pozostał daleko w tyle ;( Kto by go pamiętał przy takim natłoku emocji!

        • Poważnie?! Polityka?:D

          • Nie dosłownie polityka. Wszyscy mają rację, więc trochę jak polityka w Polsce 😉
            Dawne urazy, obrazy i inne śmazy, tak nieważne że szkoda na nie czasu.
            Zmachały mnie strasznie, aż musiałam napić się redbulla by mi dodał skrzydła! Bym mogła odlecieć od tej całej sytuacji!

  4. Ha! Świetne!:D “..say no more ..say no more.”..wydaje się ze Amerykanie nie maja większego problemu z mówieniem żle o Francuzach,prawda?;)
    Ricky Gervais jest rewelacyjny, jeszcze bardziej lubię Dylana Morana lub Eddiego Izzarda.;)
    Chciałabym też kiedyś usłyszeć na żywo Billie Baileya;)

    • Nie chodzi o to że Amerykanie mówią żle o innych, po prostu mówią w samych superlatywach o sobie 😉
      Uwielbiam Brytyjskich komików. Jak oglądam polskie kabarety i tzw. standapy, to ano i owszem, płaczę, tyle że nigdy ze śmiechu!

      • :D… 😉
        Masz rację nie bardzo tym naszym komikom wychodzą “standapy”, chociaż , czekaj, mam słabośc do Roberta Górskiego!

  5. *Takes notes*

    You didn’t mention crumpets or scones…what are we supposed to do with those?

    • Dear Jazz, the only time you need to think about that is if, on meeting Richard, he calls you a saucy crumpet! *two thumbs up!* LOL! Then go through all 10 points I have recommended, and report back 😉

  6. Oh my gosh, there is so much to learn!
    Pity that he’s gonna be closer than ever but yet so far from me…

    Anyway, I’ll study for the day I meet him, so I’ll be able to behave properly… Yeah, baby!

  7. Yes, you said it agzym, we want him back in Europe as soon as possible! At least in time for The Hobbit premiere in London! 🙂

  8. LMAO!!! Don’t listen to her ladies, he’ll never come back! 🙂

  9. Don’t be so mean! Let the American ladies have their share of Armitage goodness!!! LOL

    • The Americans get 2 month for now. If you’re good luciana, we might send him off to Brazil for a while to shoot something there. Deal?

  10. If I know midwesterners, the probability is extremely likely that we will simply assume that he will like what we like. Because why wouldn’t he? That’s what all humans like. Not to poke fun at the high level of self-satisfaction around here, but we do have everything right already. 🙂

    • I’ve always said that Americans don’t put other nations down. They don’t need to.They just take extreme pride in their country, and hold themselves in high regard 🙂
      Don’t get me wrong, it something I wish we could have in Poland!

  11. I want him to stay in England (pas trop loin de moi) !
    BTW the enmity that exists is between ENGLAND and France (The rest of the UK is not part of it).

    • Hello Nadia, there is a historic link between France and Scotland if I remember correctly, with Mary Queen of Scots.
      If you want Richard to stay in England, by george! that’s what we’ll do. It suits me better too 😉

  12. Giggles, Pin up!
    We’ll have to take some of these to heart. Have I mentioned that I make Beef Cornish Pastys from scratch? It’s an old family favorite.
    Cheers! Grati ;->

    • Beef Cornish Pastys from scratch? Your huband is a lucky man. When I want some English grub, I drive up to M&S and hit the frozen food section 🙂

  13. I’m royally ticked. Marching off in high (Dick) dudgeon). As far as I know, he hasn’t been near Canada yet! Are we smelly dwarves or quoi? Mr. A, you can SKI here and feast on poutine and beaver tails!!!

    • I’m so sorry Fitz, and I know how you feel. It’s not like Richard sitting in Eastern Europe filming RH benefited me at all. If it makes you feel any better, I don’t think Canadians smell, or look like dwarves. Maybe Richard is apprehensive about visiting Canada because that’s where Justin Bieber comes from? LOL!

  14. Dear Agzym,
    On behalf of the ladies from down here in NZ, We don’t want to play fair! (Pouts and stamps foot – Lol :)) . He likes it here, he said so, so can he stay???
    I make lovely scones and cornish pasties too – (and that was a complement from an ex-pat brit.), so we can make him feel right at home!

    • Oh, Jemma, I understand, but now you have to let the other nice children play with the shiny toy 😉

      • Well ….. ok, if we must, we’ll share the goodness! 🙂 I’m sure the other children will play nice too!

        • I understand your feelings Jemma, but just as the war over ‘the face that launched a thousand ships’ didn’t do much good, I really wouldn’t be inclinde to start one over Mr Armitage 😉

  15. Pingback: Legenda 37: Stuff worth reading « Me + Richard Armitage

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