For the next 2 months or so, you will have the pleasure of hosting British actor Richard Armitage.
I would just like to underline that he is on loan from Europe, and we would like him back at some point.
New Zealand played fair, and so should you!
I wouldn’t be the person I am if I didn’t offer some advice and guidance on how to make Richard feel at home.
Here are my top 10 tips, feel free to add any of your own.
1. He doesn’t drink coffee, he takes tea, my dear! (Thanks Sting).
Coffee is vulgar and offensive to a Brit and should never be offered at breakfast.
Richard may ask for it in the morning, but he’s just being polite.
Refuse him sternly, and insist he has an Earl Grey with milk and sugar!
2. Just as Americans always say ‘Have a nice day!’, the British often use phrases like: ‘I say, steady on old chap’ and ‘Right you are Gov’nor’.
Think Mary Poppins and Charles Dickens when you choose your phrases to make Richard feel right at home!
Also, take the time to teach him the proper meaning of the word ‘chips’.
3. In general, put on a faux British accent.
The Brits love it! Really!
There’s nothing quite like an American imitating the Queens English!
The only reason Brits don’t seem so enthusiastic about your attempts is because all they are, ya know, so cool and reserved!
4. Make plenty of rude comments about the French.
I know, I don’t get it either, must be a cultural/historic thing…
You can also mention the American Revolution, and ask whatever happened to The British Empire.
5. Get the fog machine out, pray for rain.
Every time it does rain, comment that he must feel right at home.
In general, 95% of conversation not relating to filming should be about the weather.
Any other topic would bore Richard, or just be highly inappropriate!
6. Have a cricket field close to his hotel, with a Pub en route.
Convey to Richard that he can put on his bowler hat, crab his cane and go play cricket, stopping for a pint of larger along the way.
He’ll appreciate your thoughtfulness, and think you’re a stand up sort of chap.
On the topic of sports, explain to Richard why he’s been so wrong in the understanding of the word ‘football’.
You mustn’t let him make that blunder!
7. Make sure you tell Richard about your trip to London in 1994.
Mention it at least 3 times, and list all the landmarks you visited, one by one.
Buckingham Palace, Changing of the Guards, Piccadilly Circus…
Have holiday snapshots to illustrate your London trip.
If you can also underline that your ancestors were from England, Scotland or Ireland, I’m sure he’d be ever so grateful, and he’d feel you must be kindred spirits, hearing about something that happened years ago to people he’s never heard of.
8. Make as many Monty Python references as you can!
Every time Richard makes anything remotely resembling a joke, be sure to say: ‘That must be that famous British humour!’ and poke him in the ribs for good measure.
He’ll love it, but being the typical British gentleman, he’ll refrain from bursting out with laughter!
9. Ask Richard to do his best Austin Powers impression.
He may refuse at first, but encourage him by impersonate Powers yourself!
The Brits have long regarded the International Man of Mystery as the best ambassador of all things British.
In a poll conducted by Ms Ayama Royal-Prick, he beat the Queen, One Direction, and rice pudding!
If you could provide fake Austin Powers teeth, that would just be the cherry on the cake…sorry…pie…pudding!
He’ll feel so welcome, I think it would render him speechless!
10. Every time you see Richard eating, make sure you express how happy you are that he is finally able to taste some proper food, seeing that British cuisine is so bland and stodgy.
You may also want to add how amazed you are he grew up to be such a dashing lad on baked beans, speckled dick and haggis.
Go ahead and give him your thought on The Full English Breakfast versus a stack of pancakes with maple syrup and a rasher of bacon on the side.
It’s a solid conversational topic, and one that shows your excellent knowledge of all things British.
Here is the British comedian, Ricky Gervais on the top 10 things Americans say that Brits hate.
By the way, I’d say all these things to Richard, just to prove Gervais wrong!
If you take my tips to heart, Richard will feel so good in the USA, he might never want to leave…
*smirks, rubbing hands*
*chuckle turns into diabolic laughter*
*bursts into evil flames, consumed by her own wickedness*
Mr Armitage, we’ll see you back in Europe very soon!